Sunday, 23 September 2012

Joby Mageean - Patty Cakes and Piss Poor Cooking 1

Joby Mageean is a London-based comic, Tickled Pig finalist, and Condiment Souperman. I've split his recipe into two parts. The patty cakes recipe will be up tomorrow along with the first of a new feature in which I will try to review some of the recipes that are sent in - Callum

Hello there you!

I am going to give you 2 wonderful recipes... one can be cooked on literally no money at all, but I strongly suggest you don't eat if any other food is available, and the other can be cooked on very little money and is actually very tasty.

Condiment Soup

So this is the food that costs no money at all. You see what they don't tell you about becoming a student is that they give you LOADS of money at the very start of your course. And by they I mean the Student Loans company and my Dad/my dead Grandad who set up some savings (I must point out that my dad and dead Grandad will not have given you money, but you may have a similar set up.) Now that money is to be spent very wisely on bills and food and whatnot so naturally I spent mine on a DVD of Home Alone 2 my second favourite Christmas film after Die Hard, and naturally after watching Home Alone 2 I then had to buy myself a big Christmas trip to New York where I stayed in a fancy hotel on my own and ended up spending £3,500 in a week (Completely true.) 

I came back from New York completely broke but with lots of wonderful valueless memories. Subsequently I had to spend the next three years worth of loans and earnings on rent and bills and had no money for food... it was then when I came up with Condiment Soup.

First of all you will need to go into town and start perusing every Wetherspoons, Toby Carvery and Students' Union for sachets of sauce and condiment, Brown Sauce is a must and pepper is always good, stay away from mayonaise or any other egg-based sauce as they will not work in a soup. The general rule I found is that if it is light coloured it probably wont work i.e tartar, horseradish and salad cream. Some mustards work, some don't, feel free to take a risk. MacDonalds do barbecue sauce that works really well but it does mean carrying those tiny little paper pots home which is tricky! Once I took a drinks cup from one of the empty tables, washed it out in the sink in the toilet, waited till no staff were looking and filled that bad boy to the brim with lovely barbecue goodness. I got some strange looks off customers but it lasted me weeks!.. So yeah barbecue sauce is a good shout, personally I hate ketchup but if you are a whore with no soul then I suppose that would be fine... also if you ever find a place that does mint sauce then you Sir/Madam are living the vida loca! 

Return home with your pockets filled with condiments and place the contents of every sachet into a saucepan add cold water and bring to boil stirring constantly. Of course you will get the exact same outcome if you just stick the kettle on and adding the to a bowl of the condiments, but this way you feel like you are actually cooking real food so that's a bonus. If you are looking for something to accompany the soup I would suggest stealing some of those wholemeal pitta breads off your housemate Peter (or Peter Breads as I like to call them.) It's okay he probably won't notice and even if he does he's not going to say anything, he'll probably just leave a sarcastic note on the cupboard again like when he bought those Pringles even though they are clearly a food for sharing!

Now Condiment soup will keep you alive but every now again you will want to eat actual food. For a very affordable option I suggest patty cakes.



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