Sean Morley is a Sheffield-based comedian who runs Alt.Com.Cab (information here and here), and Speakers' Corner (information here) in the city.
For The Pastry
225g plain flour
Milk (if needed)
1 egg, beaten (for glaze)
500g of button mushrooms (halved)
2tbsp vegetable oil
1tbsp tomato puree
1tbsp soy sauce
250ml veg stock
200g stilton, crumbled
salt and pepper
Right. You're going to make a pie that is too rich. Keep that in mind to begin with. If halfway through making it you find yourself going "wait, but what if it's too rich?" then abort. That is not the attitude necessary for The Pie. I call it The Pie because it's the only pie you'll ever need. Knowing the names of descriptions of other pies will quickly become superfluous. This pie contains no meat because eating meat is wrong.
FIRST YOU MUST MAKE SOME DOUGH.
Mix the pastry ingredients together in a thing until it feels right.
Squidge it up and. Cling film it and leave it in the fridge for either half an hour or until you've finished doing the other stuff I'm about to talk about.
Chop and fry up an onion. Leaving that frying while you chop up 500 grams of button mushrooms and add them in too then let them all keep going until they turn brown andmiserable. When that happens add a tablespoon of tomato puree and fry for 3-5 more minutes. While you're waiting for those 3-5 minutes, mix up some stock and a dash of soy sauce in a little bit of water and then hurl that in too. Hurl it in violently.
Let that simmer for a minute or two then take it off the heat.
USE THE DOUGH
You must force the dough to have an unreasonably large surface area until it can cover the thing in which you intend to bake it (The Pie).
I did this by rolling it with a wine bottle, but my capacity for inference tells me that a rolling pin would be better.
When achieved put the stuff in the thing.
Into the thing which contains the stuff place the filling (items from the frying pan).
Crumble in the Stilton.
Glaze with egg.
Bake for 30-40 minutes.
Eat The Pie