Callum Scott: Turkey Chilli

Callum runs this blog. He is a Leeds-based comedian and feels weird about writing about himself in the first person. His recipe for Spicy Vegetable Soup can be found here.

Hello. This is my recipe for turkey chilli. It's a bit lighter than the traditional cow flesh chilli, as well as being more Hindu-friendly. What more could you wish for? It's good in enchiladas, with rice, basically anything you'd use chilli for. It also makes fucking amazing nachos.

Ingredients:
500g turkey mince (Unlike beef mince, all turkey mince is basically OK no matter how cheap)
1 medium onion, chopped as much as your manly overly sensitive tear ducts can take
Half tsp paprika - smoked, sweet or hot, depending on your taste or realistically, what's in your house
Half tsp cumin
1tsp dried oregano - no-one uses fresh oregano, if someone tells you they do, don't trust them
A bay leaf.
2 cloves garlic, I use 2tsp garlic puree because I'm a lazy shit
1 scotch bonnet chilli - use anything from one third (considerable afterburn) to all of it (I want to die)
1 small pack button mushrooms - you know, usually about 80p, that one.
1 tin tomatoes
250ml chicken or vegetable stock - use veg stock if you're making this vegetarian with Quorn, or it won't be vegetarian.
1 tin butter beans - this may be considered blasphemous, just try it, they work better than kidney beans in this.
Some oil
Salt and Pepper.

Soften the onions and herbs with the oil on a medium heat until the onions are translucent but not brown. If they go brown, carry on, literally no-one will give a fuck.
Add the garlic, chilli and spices and cook for about one minute before putting the mince in.
Turn the heat up a wee bit, then brown the turkey mince while smashing it up with a spatula. If you prefer, use chicken mince instead of turkey. It will not impact on the universe one iota. Use Quorn mince if you want. Basically use any kind of mince. Use Spam! See if I care.
When the mince is browned, add the tomatoes and stock, and simmer until the mince is cooked and you're just off the consistency you want. Which is any consistency, stop bothering me, I'm not even your real Dad.
Throw in the mushrooms. Not a mushroom fan? Use another fucking vegetable. It honestly doesn't matter. Use more Spam. You know what? Don't fucking bother making this at all. Just sit in the dark eating cold Spam from the tin. It honestly won't impact my life in the slightest.
After five minutes, add the drained beans. If you really want to use kidney beans instead of butter beans, do it. You're dead to me. No, go ahead, I'm sure kidney beans will be lovely in it.
After another five minutes, season it, take the bay leaf out, and serve however the fuck you want.

@callumformetal