"This was performed at Sheffield's 'Speaker's Corner' on the 26th of Septmber, 'Speaker's Corner' is Sheffield's best room to try out new material."
This is a public apology.
My name is Ashley Butterfield. I am a chef, I’m 28 years old, I own my own restaurant, I’m a keen cyclist, I’m a libra and I recently poisoned several members of the public due to a salt/daz washing up powder related mix-up.
I will begin by saying that it was wrong for us to have ever claimed that our dishes would only contain food when we weren’t 100% certain that we could provide soapless meals.
I also would like to apologise for our tagline ‘the soup you can believe in’ which in retrospect seems ironic and tasteless. The tagline that is, the soup wasn’t tasteless; because it tasted like soap.
Now, as a trained professional chef, I can tell you that the only reason this mistake was caused was due to an overwhelming lack of potassium in my diet. More on this later.
Soon after what became known in the Retford chronicle as ‘Daz-gate’, my health began to deteriorate. My restaurant was closed down, I was receiving threats and I had also consumed a fair amount of Daz myself in a futile effort to prove it wasn’t lethal.
I had nearly given up all hope when I remembered something my cooking teacher used to say to me in school: ‘Ashley, you look upset, but don’t worry I’ve got a surprise for you – now close your eyes’, at this point I would close my eyes as tight as I possibly could and I would hold out my right hand, he would place an object in my hand and as I felt it’s cylindrical shape caress my palm I would be ecstatic with excitement. For I knew that in my hand, there was a banana!
These potassium rich parcels from god are the only thing that has kept me going through this hardship, they also came in pretty handy whenever I caught mother kissing the postman. That’s right one bite of a banana can provide enough sustenance to swallow even the most troubling psychological issues.
It was several weeks later, while on a plantain high, that I had a eureka moment. I would invent a dish which would cure people of all their psychological problems. Now, with the hardest part out of the way, I set about finding the ingredients which would help make the dish.
After a lot of research in Tescos one evening I returned home with the recipe that would change the world and I am now going to share the recipe with you and I hope this goes some way to apologising for poisoning those children.
You will need:
1 vanilla ice cream,
1 bottle of rum, and
1 pack of raisins.
I call this dish ‘a banana cut in half with rum and raisin ice cream in it’ (tm).
Here is how to prepare the dish:
You must begin by cutting the banana in half, shortly after doing that feel free to drink some of the rum. You must then open the tub of ice cream and spoon some of the ice cream on top of the banana, at this point there is no harm in having another drink, so feel free to do so. Open the raisins, put those on top of the ice cream, drink some rum and then pour some rum onto the pile of banana, ice cream and raisins. This dish is best served at a freezing cold temperature and if you are looking for a drink to accompany the meal, we recommend rum.
This dish has never failed to put a smile on my face, so much so that I sometimes make it upwards of five times a day.
It is also great for special occasions, be it a funeral or a rehabilitation meeting or even when you’re watching old footage of your failed marriage.
That’s right. Next time you’re in the supermarket why not treat yourself to ‘a banana cut in half with rum and raisin ice cream in it’ (tm).
I thank you.