Edy Hurst is a Leeds-based comedian who runs Latent Mutant Comedy, details of which can be found here.
How to cook a Bacon, Cheese, mushroom and onion omelette whilst entertaining a guest in your shared house you’re not entirely comfortable with.
3 rashers of bacon
Sun Flowers oil mixed with Olive Oil (oil type optional)
Half a medium sized red onion
Enough grated cheese
A few mushrooms (play it by ear)
A single Bell Pepper (play it by heart)
2 – 3 house mates in the kitchen (or a singular one you have a mediocre relationship with
1 Person invited into the house whom you know little about or nothing at all.
(House Strangers can be brought from anywhere providing they know the majority of the people in room very well, but not you).
Let us begin.
1. Walk into the kitchen and be slightly surprised, followed by embarrassment, passing through into alienation and then resentment by the Person invited into the house whom you know little or nothing about. Many people ask me is it important the type of person you don’t know, and to that I would recommend a same gender agent, who at least appears superior to you. The more on your toes and heady it makes you, the better.
2. Whilst being careful to move around each and every house member at the kitchen table, awkwardly knocking the House Stranger, collect your ingredients and place them in the workspace. Put the frying pan on the heat, then place the rashers of bacon in there to – unsurprisingly – fry.
3. Attempt small talk with House Stranger, making sure to either get locked out of the conversation by a private joke with the others or by saying something that makes you appear simple.
4. Realising you do not have any tongues to flip the bacon, use your fingers. This makes you appear more of an idiot therefore adding to the important flavour of shame you’re trying to infuse in the dish.
5. Take out the bacon, pour in some oil for frying and flavour, place in the diced onions and mushrooms, shaking them to move the across the pan.
6. Having left the glass bowl on the opposite side of the room, bumble over like the useless, incompetent waste of space I am and take the eggs, because that’s the most efficient thing to have done then whisk all the eggs together. But oh, you don’t have a whisk; because you’re such a genius to remember you inventory you’ll just have to use a fork. Season with salt, pepper and disappointment in yourself. Its worth noting that the House Stranger heightens the insecurities, as does cooking to a judgemental audience that knows you forgot to flush the toilet last night. This is significant for the process, for what’s food if not an experience? A slow, depressing, soul crushing experience!
7. Now that the onion and mushrooms are slightly more burnt than you intended, knock over a chair trying to rush back to them, pretend you were being funny on purpose and pour them in the egg mixture, then pour the whole mixture into the frying pan at a lower heat than before.
8. Cut up the bacon, and get the Cheese out of the fridge and spread both over the inside of omelette. The cheese must go on top as it will act as glue for flipping the Omelette.
9. Stare at the House Stranger, not how they’re more attractive and talented than you, but more importantly realise the black hole of silence that is now the room as the house stranger and yourself realise you have little to nothing in common. Pathos is everything.
10. Forgetting that you had a bell pepper to use, rush to cut that, making sure it’s in too big a chunks and place into the omelette, which should be a dark brown. This is unplanned serendipity that will actually work in your favour. As just when you think the world’s eternally against you you will experience luck in your favour, and this will make you hate the world even more.
11. Flip the Omelette a bunch, pressing the cheese together. It is eat immediately.
12. Place your tail firmly between your legs and walk out of the kitchen with your omelette, be sure to hear laughs from your house mates about you uselessness in life
13. Return in between sentence about you as you forgot a fork, and embrace the fact that regardless of how well you made your food, all you can taste is self-hatred, shame and humiliation with each mouthful.
By Edy Hurst