Thom Milson is a Leeds-based comic who runs a night called HOWL. Details here.
1 Breakfast Muffin
2 Rashers of Bacon
1 Clove of Garlic
250g of Softened* Butter
*leave it out (covered) for a few hours
Okay, so I’m essentially telling you how to cook Eggs Benedict without the Hollandaise Sauce. Hollandaise Sauce is, in my opinion, the epitome of white people food: light, rich and very pretentious. I prefer the simplicity of just egg and bacon. It’s down to earth, and you can eat it differently. Instead of a dainty knife and fork, you pick it up, fold it in half, and let the yolk run down your chin like warm cum. Plus, everytime I try to make Hollandaise sauce I fuck it up.
Before I get started, I want to lay down a couple of ground rules: 1: no cutting corners, 2: no half-arse-ed-ness(?), and 3: no light versions. That is not how you enjoy food. You do it properly or not at all. It’s full-fat-cake or nothing, okay? No diet versions; no sugar free. If you don’t want to get fat or lose your teeth, don’t eat cake. If you don’t like post-meal shame and regret, eat salad.
Anyway, time for the damn recipe.
Place the muffin under a grill until golden brown. Turn so that both sides are equal. It helps to put one half face up and the other face down.
Butter the muffin while it is still warm.
Let the butter melt into the muffin while you poach the eggs and fry the bacon.
I like to fry my bacon is a non-stick frying pan in a little butter*, on a medium heat.
Turn over occasionally until golden brown.
*if you’re judging me for using butter to fry bacon, you haven’t lived (and in no way ironic, at all, it will probably kill me).
There is a lot of endless debate over how you should poach an egg, which is a great example of the human race’s ability to start, and maintain pointless arguments. When the world has fallen apart, two wasteland survivors will be sat in their rags, with beards, and six fingers, arguing over how to poach the last remaining egg.
I like to use a pan with about an inch, inch and half depth of water.
Add a drop or two of vinegar.
Have the water simmering slightly.
Crack one egg into a small glass.
Pour it into your simmering water. Get as close to the water as you can.
Some people pour it into a vortex. I don’t. I just pour it in.
Cook for about 3 minutes, or until the white looks cook and the yolk is still totally runny.
Repeat for your second egg.
Remove and place on a plate to one slide.
Putting the whole thing together:
Take one half of your muffin.
Place one rasher of bacon on it.
Place one of your poached eggs on top.
Chop up a small clove of garlic.
Sprinkle about half of the garlic onto the yolk with some chili flakes.
Split the yolk.
Repeat for the second muffin/bacon/egg pile of awesomeness.
Now eat the damn thing.